How Do We Find the Identity we Want to Keep?

Age old traditions tend to be oral ones. As children, we learn to adopt whatever we find our family embodying and valuing; but at what point do we question these norms? Some may argue around the age of 2. We try to discover our own autonomy and voice, quite unequivocally, and show discontent when confronted with an obstacle. The parenting style we find ourselves confronted with, will determine the degree with which we learn to communicate and learn to negotiate as we grow into our teen years. It dawned on me around the age of 6 that some norms are not necessarily part of our identity. We take them on as a type of trial to see how they fit. Depending on the popular majority, we may choose to continue with the trial or abandon it.

A personal example of this for me was the headscarf; the hijab. I didn't know what it meant. I knew my mom wore it, and her friends did. They even bought me colorful ones. I used them as a type of formal wear. When visiting friends or when going to school, I would put one on and sometimes shortly thereafter I'd take it off. Not until age 7 did my peers begin to ask me why I wore it. Since it wasn't a consistent occurrence that they would see me wearing one, it was a fair question. Unfortunately, I didn't have an answer, so I just stopped wearing it. Logical thinking...

My personality is kind of a peculiar one. I am shy, but can be an exuberant introvert. It's perplexing because the idea behind the headscarf is a type of modesty that is meant to convey, ask me about me, before you judge me. Being shy made it difficult for me to begin the process of speaking for myself, rather than have people who knew me speak for me. Somehow, the headscarf, seemed to exacerbate my shyness. 

I went to a private school when I was 10; likely to help me understand the importance of scripture and the role it can play in my  life.  I  would wear the hijab to and from school and mostly, not when going out on occasion. Half way through the school year though, when visiting family-friends, it was somehow implied that I should keep it on. I didn't question it. I remember feeling a bit put upon, but I didn't argue. It wasn't until I was 37, that I contemplated taking it off. It was a bit of a staggered process, but within a day and for the first time since being 10 years, old I kept it off, permanently.

I can't remember the exact moment leading up to this choice. I remember taking it off, trying to leave, feeling upset, going back and putting it back on, then wondering about how this all made me feel. I'm wondering now how this has or hasn't contributed to anything about who I am at my core. I don't feel very different now from who I always was, aside from aging several years. My style hasn't changed much. I went from wearing long sleeved shirts to sleeveless ones; but that is the extent of it.

So what did the headscarf do?